How to save a life

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How to save a life

Post by pikachulova on Thu Feb 04, 2010 3:32 pm

My name is Jason Cole. I am eight years old and live in Morrisville. I live with my mom. My dad went to war and died in combat before I was born. I never had any other brothers or sisters and my mom Didn't get alot of money, so I didn't get many things.

I was at home watching the television when the phone rang. My mom called my name saying John was on the phone. I went tand got the phone and talked to him. "Hello?" I asked. "Jason, I want to know if you could come over" he said, and I replied, "I'll ask." I ran to my mom. "John wants to know if I can play" I told her. "He lives on the other side of town, and I cant bring you" she told my, sympathetically.

I went back to the phone. "She said no" I told him."Ok, I'll play with you later then" he said. We hung up and I went to my room. I lived in an average two story house and my room was upstairs. I got to the stairs and started up them. I got to the top and turned the corner and stepped in my room. My room was clean and spotless, since my mom made me pick up all messes or I would get in trouble. It was then that I looked in a mirror. I was 4 ft. 2 in. with dark black hair in the front and light brown hair in the back. I had crystal eyes and a tanned skin color. I wore glasses, mainly due to the fact that my vision was impaired.


to be continued..

I will continue this story based on how you guys comment about it.
There will be 3 more parts to this story.
This, and the next is 3 parapgrapgs.
then the last two have only 2 paragraphs, unless I edit and add some things to them.
Critics wanted, please tell me what you think.
Rate the story on a scale of one to ten as well.
Thanks..
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Re: How to save a life

Post by Walwy on Thu Feb 04, 2010 3:59 pm

Meh show not tell. Thats the only thing I have to say.

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Re: How to save a life

Post by pikachulova on Thu Feb 04, 2010 4:05 pm

Ya, thats encouraging.
*rolls eyes*
One to ten, please
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Re: How to save a life

Post by Master Fish on Thu Feb 04, 2010 4:06 pm

meh 4/10 its not getting anywhere

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Re: How to save a life

Post by pikachulova on Thu Feb 04, 2010 4:28 pm

So, do you want to hear the rest, or not..
Because, by reading your posts, it seems you dont like it too much..
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Re: How to save a life

Post by Master Fish on Thu Feb 04, 2010 4:32 pm

to me it sounds kinda AH WHATEVER I'M NOT GOING TO ANSWER SINCE I WILL GET IN A FIGHT! But your story.

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Re: How to save a life

Post by pikachulova on Fri Feb 05, 2010 7:38 pm

I guess ill continue, becuase everyone else who already read it(my friends in real life..) read it all, and give high ratings!
Ill continue:


It was 8:30 now, so I had to go to bed. I got in my pajamas and climbed in bed. The next morning was a Saturday, so I had no school that day. Every Saturday, my mom and I would go to the park and I would play. When we got there I started to the playground but I heard a hotodog man yelling for people to eat. I looked over and saw the cart whobbling in the wind.

The wind started to blow a little stronger, but I paid no attention. I noticed, however, that the wind pushed the hotdog cart of its hinges. At the same time, I heard a person yell, “AAH! The dog is loose! Watch out!” The cart was rolling really fast down a hill and the dog was running. They were both heading towards eachother and my mom was in the middle, but didnt notice.

I yelled out, “mommy! Watch out!” ans started running to her. She finally was paying attention, but wouldnt be able to react because of how close they were getting. I pushed really hard, getting my mom out of the way, but the cart was RIGHT there and the dog had jumped. I tried to yell, but instead blacked out.
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Re: How to save a life

Post by Master Fish on Fri Feb 05, 2010 7:50 pm

eh better 6/10

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Re: How to save a life

Post by King Umby on Fri Feb 05, 2010 7:52 pm

Encore! do more!

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Re: How to save a life

Post by pikachulova on Fri Feb 05, 2010 7:55 pm

Well, thanks umbreon, at least someone enjoys me stories.
*glares at pikmoton, sadly, before looking away*
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Re: How to save a life

Post by Master Fish on Fri Feb 05, 2010 7:57 pm

Wow guilt I'm out.

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Re: How to save a life

Post by Walwy on Fri Feb 05, 2010 7:58 pm

pikachulova wrote:Well, thanks umbreon, at least someone enjoys me stories.
*glares at pikmoton, sadly, before looking away*
Well now you drove Pikmton away from critiqing your stories. He has a heart you know. If doesn't like your story then whatever.

As for me its better since your actually now using the idea I gave you. Keep going.

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Re: How to save a life

Post by pikachulova on Fri Feb 05, 2010 8:09 pm

I woke up several hours later in a hospital bed. My mom was there loooking at me, smiling. I very rarely saw my mom smile like that, so I was happy to see it. A doctor came in, “his results are in. He is very lucky to be alive” He told us. I gasped, wondering,”what happened?” but never spoke.

Five minutes later my mom started talking. “Honey, I am very proud of you.” “But what did I do?” I asked, forgetting the events prior to waking up in this hospital bed. “you don’t remember?” she asked. “Well you pushed me out of the way of a dog and a hotdog cart. If it wasn’t for you, I might not be here right now.” She said. “But wouldn’t you be right here, where I am?” I asked. “Most likely not. They said you were lucky to be here” she finished.
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